A better understanding of self

I was just wondering that do people change in years?  Well, I am not excluding myself. In fact I am just talking about myself.    When I think logically, I feel that everybody should realize that the time that is past is a passed time.  And that it is  the time that you have already lived.   If you hold on to yesterday then when will you live today?  As it is, life is too short, one shouldn't waste their present moment to relive the days that is already lived!   So, if you feel that I changed in the course of time then it means I am doing something right!  I am living today and not hanging on to my past.
   However, my mind and my heart are always conflicting.  My heart is full of memories (though it should be the job of the brain to store them).  I hold on to the past as much as my brain (memory) allows.  My heart refuses to give up my memories of school, colleges, or the places that my dad got transferred to.  I like to remember the time I spent with my family, my brothers, my friends, my neighbors, and of course the time I spent with my mommy dearest.   Anyways, like many, I remember my good days and my bad days.  I still value my friends and love them dearly for being my friends and being there for me when I needed them.  I still love my brothers for pampering me and being protective about me and always, always, always being there. (I still remember how they searched the whole city and state for a particular sweet as my heart desired to eat that sweet only!).  I still love my family for making me the person I am.  I still remember the day when I met my husband and when I promised to spend my whole life with him. I remember the day when I held my daughter in my arms for the first time.  I still remember my mom helping me out take care of my lil' boy.  Yes, I am betraying my mind and living in the past glory once in a while.  
   Now, am I clinging too much to my past?  Being a curious person, I have many questions in my mind. Does that mean that I stopped living my present?  Does that mean that I am not the same person as I was 10 years back?  Did my personality change?  Did my outlook change?  Have I changed?  I am still trying to understand myself ...


We continue to shape our personality all our life. If we knew ourselves perfectly, we should die.
- Albert Camus

Traffic Light

    Today, I was taking my kids to one of their after school activities.  I wanted to be on time for the class.  I started on time, made sure that all the doors and windows were closed, the kids had their proper dress, shoes, water bottle, snack and were out of the front door.  I switched on the alarm and locked the door behind me.   I made them rush to the van.  As I was buckling up my lil' one in his car seat,  my daughter suddenly remembered that she had forgotten something and had to go inside to get it.  Irritated yet maintaining my calm, I gave her the keys to the house.  She took some time to come back.  Then I rushed back in again and made sure everything was set again and locked the door.    So, by now I was running late for the class.  I sat behind wheels and zoomed it out of the driveway and onto the road.  After couple of minutes, I hit the first traffic light.  A red traffic light!!  I waited patiently for it to turn green.  As soon as the color changed, I pressed the accelerator as quickly as possible.  Drove fast for couple of minutes and I could see another traffic light approaching and it was "RED"!  Murmuring the words "green", "green", "green" I drive towards the traffic light.  And as if God heard my prayers, magically it turned green.  I rushed past that light.  One more light before I hit the highway I thought to myself.  As I was nearing that light I felt happy that it was green too..Uh Oh..did I say that aloud...it was green that just turned yellow.  Okay does yellow means "slow down" or "speed up"?  In a split of a second I told myself, "No time, speed up!"  and I pressed the accelerator a bit harder and as I was crossing the yellow light, in the mid way, it turned red.  Cursing myself for a bad call, I looked up to check if there were any traffic cameras.  No camera. Phew!  The very next second, I see a cop's car in my rear view mirror!  "Oh NO...GOD, LORD, ALMIGHTY"  I started praying to God with all my heart.  I slowed down a bit trying to act as if nothing happened and that I was not at fault.  The car came closer to my van and then parallel to my van.   I didn't have the courage even to turn my head and see if he was telling me to stop.  I drove calmly and slowly as my left turn to the ramp and to the highway was approaching.  I took a quick peek to my right pretending to look at the traffic before entering the ramp.  To my relief, the cop's car drove right past me and went straight as I took the left turn.  I inhaled... felt the fresh air down my nostrils and through the wind pine reaching my lungs. It was calming.  Couple of more deep breath finally soothed my nerves.
  Well, the kids were  late to their classes but boy was I glad that I narrowly escaped a ticket!!

Heart

`
                Bounded by                                       Human bonds 
         A stranger, friend ,                              Family, loved one,
      Peers, an acquaintance,                      Relatives, companion,
     Buddy, playmate, comrade,             Cousin, uncle, soul mate,
      An associate, classmate, ally,      Mate, partner,  roommates,
       Bosom-buddy, comrade, consort, playmate, sidekick, pal,
        Colleague, consort, fellow mate, neighbor, school mate,
           A well wisher, a familiar face, a contact, a confidant,
              The binding, the connection, creates the bonding,
                 That touch the hearts, the souls, and bodies.
                    Feeling of belonging inside each  mind,
                        Pain, agony and torment is shared,
                            Affection, emotion, fondness,
                                All matters in the pact,
                                     Social bonding's,
                                           Builds the 
                                               Heart
                                                   !

                             
                                             
                                               

                           
(Google image)

Boys are Boys

     
   As my son came back from his second day of school today, I was curious to know if he liked his new friends, new teacher and what happened during the day. He ignored me all the way home and when he stepped inside the house he opened his shoes, flung it right across the room.  Silently, walked up to the living room, grabbed the remote and switched it on.  I decided not to ask more questions.  I opened his school backpack to take out his lunch box, water bottle and the homework folder that also has a behavior sheet (the teacher marks green if the kid was good the whole day or red if the kid refuses to listen to the teacher).   I opened his lunch box.  Everything was intact.  Just the way I had packed. There was his untouched sandwich,  veggies still half filled in a small container, unpeeled banana.  The only thing that was missing was the chocolate chip cookies.  As I sighed, I asked my lil' one, "do you want to eat something ?"  There was no response.  His eyes were glued to the television set and was just lost in his fantasy world with the cartoons.  I checked his water bottle.  The water was still till the brim.  I questioned again," why didn't you drink water?" This time, he turned his head away from the television and looked at me and answered, "I drank the water from the fountain."  Now that I had his attention, I questioned, "Why didn't you eat your lunch?"  his focus return to the cartoon.  No answer.   He was clearly testing my patience.  Trying to maintain my calm I open his folder and there was no homework.  Then I take out the behavior sheet.  Tuesday's behavior pyramid looked colorful with a red butterfly stamp!  I asked my boy, what happened in class today?  Did you trouble the teacher? Didn't you listen to the teacher?  Calmly, he looked at me and said, Well, don't you see, I wanted the butterfly stamp.  I like red butterfly more than the green smiley face! His stare went back to the TV.  My brain froze and I was left speechless.  Believe me boys are boys...Sigh...sigh...sigh...

(image from google )

Weed

Wandering in the wild weary world 

Wishfully wonders the wild seed

Wobbling, walloping, 

Whispers to the sun...

When do I stop the walk?

Where do I stay and breed?

Weary it stops under a walnut tree

Withstanding the wild wind

Water reaches its roots

Withering in the weather...

Weaves, waltz and wraps around

Wanting to be the weed.  

(photo from google image)

Art of draping a sari

Sari, an Indian traditional wear, if you are not familiar with it, you might mistake it for some fancy curtains.  Though it looks like a long rectangular piece of cloth, it is the most elegant wear known to mankind (according to me).  Well, as far as I am concerned,  it is a challenge to drape it around myself and feel totally comfortable and at ease.   Being an Indian and having seen my mom wear it everyday, I feel guilty that I don't possess the art of draping saris.   And yes, it is an art!  Not everyone can drape the sari and look good.  I try to polish my skills now and then.  I get excited, worried, tensed on the day I have to wear a sari.  The process starts a couple of days earlier.  I select the sari from my sari bank.  Trust me whenever I go to  India, especially the southern part of India, I get a sari as a gift! My husband's relatives are truly generous.  Bless their hearts.   So, first I select the sari.  Then comes my worst nightmare.  I have to hunt for the matching blouse that still fits me.  I still remember how my mom was behind the tailor to stitch the blouse right.  She would give the blouse to the tailor for stitching and then try it on and complain about the neck, the arms, the length, etc. etc.  The tailor would alter but again the same story...I felt that  no living person could stitch a perfect blouse for my mom.  I couldn't understand why she would fuss over a blouse.  After all, the whole body is covered in sari.   Over the years I have learnt the hard way that a nice, fitting and matching blouse makes a whole lot of difference. Next comes the underskirt.  That needs to be a match too!!  So, I make sure I have everything ready for the day to wear the "sari".  Now you must be thinking that the hard part is over and now only draping is left.  How I wish!  Draping a sari is a skill, art, craft and needs practice like any other art form. There are many ways to drape a sari.  Normal style with pleats in the front and about a yard of cloth left to hang back over your left shoulder.  Gujarati style where yard length of cloth  hangs on your right shoulder so that the design comes in the front . Coorgi style, Bengali style, Andhra style, Bollywood style and on and on goes the list of styles of how you can drape a sari.  And once I decide which style to drape, I have to figure out which is the border, which is the front side of the sari (one time I wore the sari and discovered that it was the wrong side as the fall of the sari was facing up :( ...  ), which end to start draping.  Then the most difficult part comes when you actually drape the cloth around you.  The pleats need to fall in place, each and every crease in the sari should be perfect and pinned so that it doesn't fall off.  Make sure the other end of the sari hangs to the desired length  and the border is displayed .  Eventually, after an hour or so when it's draped, I look in the mirror and see that the pleats didn't layer up correctly.  Disappointed in myself, I call my hubby and my daughter for rescue.  They try their best to satisfy my need to make the pleats layered.  As they try their best, my instructions increases. "Not that one, this one!"  "At the bottom."  "Little bit up."  Frustrated with my instructions, they give up and declare it looks good and we should go now or else we will be late.   Finally, I drape myself in a sari, trying to feel comfortable, elegant and lady like and step out of the house only to find a friend in the party who would very kindly, and fondly take me to an empty room and adjust the sari all over again...

(Image from google images)

RIP Neil

 Just this summer I had taken my lil' one to NASA in Houston and had explained him how the scientists build the rocket and how humans have advanced themselves to live in the space, and how the astronauts ate, slept and even peed in space. We talked about "Neil" (Armstrong was too big a word for him to pronounce) and his walk on moon.  "Did he sit in the rocket just like I sit in the car and go to the moon?"  Hmm..I thought for a while and said. "Kind of."  His little mind couldn't comprehend all the information but he sure did enjoy his trip to NASA where he got to see the real rocket and learn about astronauts.  Today, as NASA announced the death of this 82 year old astronaut, Neil Armstrong, I couldn't believe it.  The man who at one time walked on the moon is no longer walking with us on the earth!  This man who was able to touch the moon, would now reside among the stars...far, far away.   

       I pray that his soul rests in peace.  He will always be in our mind and will not be forgotten.  
    

My thoughts and my views

     Today it's been a week since I started writing this blog.  Being the person I am, I feel very intimidating  at times just to think that other people are going to read this.  But boy, I am proud that I wrote for a week now and most importantly, I was able to share it with people that I don't know.  Usually I blabber my thoughts on junk paper and by the end of the week, when I clean the house, I throw it in trash.  I felt good to express my views on a sheet that nobody would read. I would write just about anything that came up to my mind.  It was simple and easy.  No body to judge you or your writing ability.  Be it a sentence structure or grammar, or the topic itself.  I wouldn't go over it a second time.  I just felt like expressing myself and I took the help of words that could relieve me from the burden of holding the thoughts inside of my tiny little brain.  Somehow, I found peace within myself.  As I love to read, it is but natural to rise different questions in mind like, what is going on in the world?  Why are people so different?  Why this war?  Who will be the next President?  Is there any way to spread love and peace in the world?  Why do people fight among themselves? Will the world end in 2012 ? If the world ends in 2012, what will happen to the Mars Exploration Rover?  Will Mars be effected?  And the questions of my curiosity goes on and on and on and on...Curiosity that would effect my inner equilibrium.   Writing was a perfect outlet for my naive thoughts.  But then there is a saying that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.  My limited knowledge made me wonder more about things that were very obvious for others.   Somehow, I felt people would judge me and laugh at my back for being so ignorant and naive.  I felt less embarrassed to write it down in junk paper. I wrote just for me. Not even once did it occur to me that I should write for others to read.  I was too scared.  However, in contrast to my fear, my hubby has been asking me to start a blog from time immemorial.  As a normal wife, I think he is biased.  He is blinded in my love (hehehe at least that's what I think).  Anyways,  it took a lot of courage and lots and lots of my hubby's pushing to start a blog.  So, here it is...another of my scribbling...:)

It's about time

Clock is ticking
Stopping for none
Every thought, deed, action
Is recorded.

As each passing moment
slips in the ocean of life
It ticks me off
And I sit and think.

Hold, grip, grasp the time
I am in a happy place
Family, friends,
Let me be.

But, I, the being, born on time..
Struggled time after time
And in time I will know
Living is not lost time.

And I wait for the day..
When it will be about time...

Phone

  

    Today the shrill ring of the phone woke me up.  Half asleep I took a peek at the clock.  It was 5.30 a.m.  My heart skipped a beat.  Is everything fine back at home?  My mind started racing worried with all the worst possible things that could have happened.  People don't call at this hour until and unless it is important.  What happened?  It might have been just a couple of seconds but I could picture all my near and dear ones  in my head.  I start blabbering prayers to God.  "God please!  Let it not be a shattering  news" 

   I still remember, just like yesterday, when I got a call from my brother saying that my mom was admitted in the hospital.  I was shocked as I had talked to her just the day before!  Not even in my dreams did I think that that was the last time I was hearing her voice.   Being half way across the world I felt helpless, feeble, vulnerable that I couldn't rush back home...run to my mothers' open arm.  All my insecurities came back to me in a splash of a second.  

    I started doubting our decision to leave our country in the first place.  My husband and I thought we would stay for couple of years and go back to our roots.  What if something happened and I couldn't go immediately?  I could feel my knees getting weak.  I tried to sit up on my bed but couldn't even move an inch.  I forced my hands to reach the phone.

   My hands started shaking, I was terrified to even answer the phone.  Sree Rama Rameti.....and I couldn't even remember the next word of the prayer that I go over in my head everyday at least a couple of dozens of time.  I let it ring for couple of more times trying to remember the next word. Frustrated at myself I lift the phone.  "Hello." 

(photo courtesy google image)

One of the many thing I did this summer

    Texas summer is well known for it's scorching heat. So summer holidays can be real a challenge.  Especially keeping the kids engaged and occupied is a Hercules task.  However,  this summer the heat didn't hinder me to have outdoor fun activities with my kids.   For the past two years the drought and the water restriction had dampened my spirits to do vegetable gardening.  Although, this year Texans saw some beautiful rainbows and the spring was bountiful yet  it failed to coax me to start planting in the spring.  Then came the summer. Along with it came summer vacation, for my kids and me.  So I decided to try my hands in planting vegetables as a summer project for my kids.  So, first week of June we prepped the soil. Got some "Indian" vegetable seeds and planted them.  Every evening my little one would take the hose and water the seeds. Little hope did I have that it would sprout as the force of the water, from the hose, was falling directly on the seeds and was scattering the soil in all direction.  Then suddenly one day, like a miracle, after almost a week and a half, popped a small green sap.

    We were EXCITED!!  THRILLED!! AESTHETIC!! PULSATED!! Yeah, we were happy and we celebrated the sprout with an ice cream treat.  The next day we all went out and to my little one's surprise it grow a little more.  Little leaves started to show up and it started to look like a sapling...

    Now even my daughter got interested in gardening and the fight started about who would water the plants. Needless to say, my lil' son won the battle most of the time.   In a few days we could see the  leaves of the plant that looked healthy.

  Okay, looking at the picture don't assume that one seed didn't survive...It did!!  My lil' one wanted to check if there were roots or not.  Boy, he was glad that the roots had come and that they were real plants!  

   Few days went by and the bean plant grew at a steady pace.  The summer started becoming hotter and  it had become a task to water the plant.  Even my daughter got a turn to water the plants now.  We watched it grow taller as if they were trying to reach the sky.  It curled up through the fence and just shot up as high as it possibly could.

  Everyday my lil' one would go out and see the tangled creeper, pluck couple of leaves and ask if it was ready to eat.  I would reply that we need to be patient.  By the first week of August, he was clearly loosing interest. Then suddenly, one day, he plucked a white flower and came running to me and asked, "Now is it ready to eat?"  "Almost!! If you stop plucking the flowers the vegetable will grow."  A week passed by and then suddenly another flower popped up, then another, and another..He was thrilled again. We would check on the flower everyday.  It grew to be a lovely blossom and then started to wilt and we could see a small pod coming up at the end of the flower.  As my son examined it closely he screamed, "I see a bean! I see a bean!"  

Finally, we saw lots of beans.  We plucked them, washed them, collected them.

 Yesterday, I cooked them.  It was delicious.  It was the the fruit (vegetable) of patience after all!   

"A garden is a grand teacher. It teaches patience and careful watchfulness; it teaches industry and thrift; above all it teaches entire trust."

- Gertrude Jekyll 

Technology and future

                               Technology and future

For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.  ~Richard P. Feynman



 Today as I see my 5 yr old sliding his index finger to go to a new page, I recall the days when only the printed pages of the book were the source of learning for a young mind.  Sometimes, I am worried...other times I am thankful for the abundance of resources available in this mess free techno world.  Most of the times, I am curious to know what the future holds for these little souls.  Will the technology effect the development of their mind?  How will they interact with their peers and express their feelings and emotions?  How many real life friends will they have?  No, not the virtual ones, but real flesh and blood ones, sitting on the couch next to each other, and sharing their views...I wonder, if the conversations will turn into just like and dislike buttons.  Can the next generation talk, joke, laugh, cry without the help of emoticons?  
  As I browse the youtube, I find videos of little babies trying to slide their tiny little fingers on the pictures of a magazine.  Yes, it is funny.  Funny because we have seen the age of print!!  What will happen to those tiny tots when they grown up?  I always thought that holding a pencil or a crayon helps in developing the fine motor skills of the tots.  Feeling the different textures made their mind more able and aware.  Coloring on a blank sheet made them dream and create their own fantasy world.  As a result develop the creative side of their brain.  Is this world compromising with its future by inventing and creating a robot like world?
   I fear I will see a day in my lifetime when everyone will become so still, so heartless, so business like that even God will doubt his judgement of making this intelligent creature called human beings.


 

Friend

Friend

My friend, my social being

Lets drink to celebrate the moment

The moment of togetherness,

The moment of being,

In each others company.

The joy, the affection, the mutual bond

that we shared.

Lets remember the good time

That we spent,

Comprehending true friendship.

                                                        The table invites you my friend

                                                       To talk about happiness and woes...

                                                             Stress, worries and vain

                                                             Together lets share our pain

                                                             Till we reach the eternal bliss.

(Seshu, this one is for you ...)

Go Green

The green field, the blue sky, the scattered white clouds, the mountains in view... I feel God here. And this is my paradise...

Go Green

Go green, be green
New slogan take the stand
Hype to buy everything green...
Sales rocket up in sky.

Profit, Profit , profit
Makes few pockets green!

Wake up! See around you
Touch green, feel green
Not with jealousy,
but with pride.

It's heaven on earth
if you conserve green
and let it be
as it is meant to be!

- Vijaya